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How to have a Successful Threesome

Is it possible to have too much of a good thing? That’s the question – but it’s one most guys keep quiet about when discussing the subject of threesomes with their mates. The official story is that everybody wants to try it. Some will claim to have done so already. In a few cases, it’ll be true. But the fact is that many men, while they enjoy fantasizing about threesomes, aren’t at all sure how they’d feel about them in reality. It’s one thing to get off on the idea of sex with two fantasy women, but quite another to get into that sort of situation with two people – people who’ll have ideas of their own.

 

Despite this uncertainty, which many men feel, threesomes do happen, and they don’t just happen to the sort of men who boast about them and who seem to base their lives around their sexual exploits/ All around the world, ordinary guys enjoy these opportunities in all sorts of different circumstances. If you’re feeling brave enough to try and make your fantasy come true, what do you need to do to join them?

 

Asking your Girlfriend

 

You might expect that your girlfriend would run a mile if you suggested a threesome. You might be right. But you’ll never know until you try, and there are ways to approach it which can provide you with an exit strategy if things go horribly wrong.

 

One of the most erotic things couples can do together is sharing fantasies. When you’re in the mood, snuggling up together in bed, or when you’re passing the time at a boring social function with nowhere to escape to in order to act on your feelings, whispered interchanges can turn up the heat. Be ready to be surprised – you can’t afford to disapprove of anything your girlfriend suggests if you’re about to make a potentially explosive confession to her – but bear in mind, also, that she may be shy and uncertain what to say, and may need a bit of nudging along before she’s prepared to admit what she thinks. When you talk about your fantasies, keep the focus on her so as to build her confidence. Make sure she feels special.

 

The next stage of discussion is to ask your girlfriend if she fancies other people. Make it clear that you’re not jealous and be good humored about it. Humor is the key, so that you can always make it seem as if you were just teasing if things go too far. If necessary, take a few days or even weeks and discuss these things on repeated occasions until she feels comfortable with it. If she admits to being attracted to other men, see if she’s willing to admit to a threesome fantasy. If it’s a big thing for her, and if you think you could cope with seeing her with another man, you could consider making it come true. Many straight men participate in threesomes of this kind. Some enjoy watching their girlfriends in that situation.

 

If your girlfriend admits to an attraction to women, or to curiosity about sleeping with women, things are looking up – but don’t move too fast. She may well be offended if you automatically assume this means she’d be up for a threesome. A good way to progress is to start discussing what it is about particular women that appeals to each of you. You can take this further and start looking at women when you’re out together in bars and nightclubs. It’s a short step from there to learning to flirt together.

 

If your girlfriend is completely straight, don’t give up hope. She may still be interested in a threesome. She may like the idea of pleasing you, or of doing something daring. Since women are brought up to feel awkward about their sexuality they tend to suppress desires of this kind and they may feel like bad people for experiencing them, but that doesn’t mean those desires aren’t there. In fact, you’d be surprised how many women are up for it, given the right circumstances. As with any sexual situation, the trick is to make them feel special, to build their confidence and to encourage them to feel good about expressing themselves.

 

Finding Another Woman

 

If your girlfriend agrees to a threesome, you may feel as if you’ve got the whole world at your feet, only to run into a blank when it comes to finding another woman. Some threesomes happen spontaneously – when, for instance, one of your girlfriend’s friends takes an interest in you – but if you’re not that lucky, how do you find a third party to help you fulfil your fantasy? Furthermore, how do you find the right third party – someone sufficiently attractive whom both you and your girlfriend will feel comfortable with?

 

In this situation, many couples turn to personals columns. If you do this, beware: there are far more single men and couples looking for these opportunities than there are women, and some of the women who do advertise in these columns are in fact prostitutes who’ll wait until the last minute before demanding fees. There’s also a risk of blackmail (if this does happen to you, remember, you can often defuse the situation by being open about things right away). Of course, there’s nothing wrong with using the services of a trustworthy prostitute if you’re sure there’s no disease risk, but this isn’t what most men with threesome fantasies really want. Part of the fantasy involves seeing two women enjoying themselves and it’s not the same if one of them is just pretending to do so for money.

 

Ultimately, the best way to find another woman is to go out and look for one the same way you’d look for any other prospective sexual partner. Be sociable as a couple. Get used to letting each other know when you find somebody interesting. Be flirtatious and don’t be afraid to drop hints about what you’re looking for. So long as you’re prepared to back off if women become uncomfortable, there’s no harm done. You may find that your girlfriend’s experiences as a woman give her more insight into these things than you have. Let her take the lead. Doing these things as a couple may bring the two of you closer together, all the more important if you’re heading into a situation where jealousies and insecurities can be aroused. You may also find that they lead to you having a lot of great sex in the meantime.

 

Three in a Bed

 

When you finally find the right person and you’re all ready to go, what then? Sitting around talking about it is all very well, but how do you turn it into something physical? The first thing to do is to create a relaxing environment, for yourself as much as anybody else. Lower the lights, put on the right music, have a few drinks, and start your physical contact with hugs, stroking and other behavior which can proceed as slowly as required. Only let things go further when you’re sure everyone is ready for it. It’s possible that your first attempt at a threesome won’t work out, that someone will get nervous and it’ll have to be called off. Don’t worry – be supportive, and it may well work out on the second attempt. If nothing else, you’ll have learned valuable things about how to negotiate.

 

When you do get into bed, follow your instincts. Don’t try to balance out exactly the same type and quantity of attention to each woman – that’ll only feel artificial and awkward to everyone. Just make sure that neither of them has reason to feel ignored. On the other hand, be careful to control your own emotions – if the women are interested in each other, you may have to put up with being ignored a little more than you’d like. Be patient and enjoy watching. You shouldn’t need to be the center of attention to have a good time in a situation you’re fantasized about for so long.

 

Remember that, although you’re sleeping with both of them at once, the women you’re with will have different needs and desires, different ways of approaching sex. Encourage them to let you know how you can please them and they’ll be far more willing to go along with what pleases you.

 

When you’re all hyped-up and excited about a situation, things can, of course, still go wrong. Bodies don’t always co-operate. Threesomes can be particularly hazardous in this regard – if nothing else, you can find yourself warn out trying to satisfy two women – but they also have an advantage, in that the other two people can entertain each other if you need to back off for a bit, even if they’re only doing so by talking. Don’t exhaust yourself by trying to do everything at once. Relax and enjoy the situation. After all, if it works out for everyone, there’s no reason why there shouldn’t be other such opportunities in the future.

 

In the Aftermath

 

When the sex is over and you step out of that strange little bubble world in which fantasies can become real, it’s important to restore normality and make sure that everybody feels okay. That includes yourself. A threesome may show you a side to your girlfriend which you hadn’t known was there before, and you’ll need to adjust to that. It may have changed the way you feel about your own sexual desires, or it may have left you uncertain how to relate to the other woman. All these things need to be talked about. If there’s a possibility of the threesome happening again, it’s especially important to do the talking early on rather than letting any problems become compounded.

 

The most important thing for you to do after a threesome is to spend time with your girlfriend so that the two of you can renew and strengthen your bonds as a couple. Whether or not you decide to do this again in the future, it’s bound to change the way you relate to each other. Understanding that fantasies can become real can have profound effects on how you feel about life in general. Try to make room in your life for these changes, but don’t stop looking at pretty girls – after all, you never know what might happen in the future.

The World and His Mother

Talking to your spouse about dating other people can be complicated enough, but if you’ve successfully negotiated that, and you’re both comfortable with the idea, there can be other hurdles in your way. Unfortunately, marriage is about more than just two people. Inevitably, friends and relatives will concern themselves with it too, and the consequences of them discovering that you’re married and looking can be disastrous. How can you handle this?

 

The first thing to do is to understand that complications involving friends and relatives are an inevitable risk, no matter how discreet you try to be. Talk to your spouse about this and make sure you both take due time to think about it. Try to agree on the right way to talk to anybody who raises concerns. If those close to you are worried that your marriage may be on the rocks, it helps to present a united front. You’ll also need to make sure that concerned friends don’t inspire doubts which put pressure on your relationship, and that they don’t intrude into the privacy which is an essential part of the bond between you.

 

Most people who are married but looking feel that nobody else needs to know. It’s essentially a private matter, and being open about it could lead to social approbation or even problems at work. The unfortunate downside of this strategy is that when your secret is uncovered, the very fact of your discretion can make it look like something you were ashamed of. It’s important to anticipate this and have an explanation ready, one which aims to head off people’s concern and acknowledge their curiosity without giving away too much of what is private. Many people won’t believe that you and your spouse are both comfortable with it until they’ve talked to you both, so, difficult though this can be, it’s usually best to try and deal with it quickly before your friends become tempted to gossip.

 

Gossip, of course, feeds on moral outrage, and sometimes people who consider being married and looking to be immoral will still make a fuss about it even after you’ve shown them that no-one is getting hurt. It can be difficult to deal with people like this and you may find that it seriously damages your relationships with them, but you should be wary of getting into passionate arguments which will only make them more likely to blow off steam about it with other people. Try to downplay its significance so that they may think of it as wrong but they don’t think of it as a big story. Discuss what they say with your spouse so that neither of you feels morally isolated by it and you’re less likely to be persuaded to doubt your choices.

 

Of course, disapproval by a friend, or even a work colleague, is a minor problem compared with disapproval by a parent, sibling or grown-up child. We don’t get to choose our families but, for the most part, we’re stuck with them, and moral disagreements within a family can be very upsetting. Try to remember that these aren’t always as clear-cut as they might seem. Although, upon first discovering that you’re married and looking, your relatives may well argue that it’s ‘wrong’, very often their reaction is less about principles than about a simple desire to protect you, your spouse, and/or your marriage. To most people, the discovery of extra-marital activity is an indication of impending breakdown. Because you marriage itself represents an extension of your family, this is something which family members will usually want to prevent. They’ll also want to prevent the unhappiness or humiliation of those they love, which they may well see as inevitable.

 

Talking about your marital arrangements with your relatives can itself be upsetting and humiliating, but it may be a necessary evil. It helps if you can deal with one person at a time. If you think a relative is suspicious about your activities, it may be better to take the initiative and have a talk with them before they raise their concerns with somebody else. That way, if the rest of the family do find out later, you’ll have somebody who has a better idea where you’re coming from to help explain your situation.

 

Most people expect that their elderly relatives will be the hardest to talk to about this sort of thing, but that’s often not the case. People who remember what life was like during and just after wartime, when normal family relationships were disrupted and there were shortages, in different places, of women and of men, are often familiar with the idea of open relationships and have sufficient experience not to be bothered by them. These people can be useful allies when you have to explain things to the rest of your family.

 

Once your family understand that you’re married but looking, and that it doesn’t mean your marriage is in crisis, you may encounter another problem – that your secret has become the family’s secret and that they are anxious to protect it, to the point where they become controlling. This can be particularly difficult if you’re already open about it with some of your friends, and it can effectively limit your dating options. Try to explain that what you do on dates with other people deserves as much respect and privacy as what you do within your marriage. It’s one thing to be discreet about extramarital dating – say, by using a matchmaking service like www.marriedandlooking.co.uk – but trying to hide all your social interactions with your dates from the public eye is quite another, and can have an unhealthy effect on all your relationships.

 

Sometimes friends and relatives will react badly to discovering that you’re married and looking because they don’t think it’s a big deal, and because you’ve chosen to exclude them from that part of your life. This can best be dealt with by explaining that you were concerned for your dates’ privacy. That way they won’t feel that they lacked the trust of you and your spouse.

 

Dealing with the ordinary interactions of your family and social life with your marriage can be difficult enough, without complications like this. But if you plan ahead and make sure you deal with it together, it’s far from impossible to find a happy resolution.

Looking for Trouble

These days, as society becomes more open about different types of relationship, the traditional framework of marriage is slowly crumbling. Increasingly, married people are beginning to look elsewhere for sexual and even romantic opportunities, and married dating is on the rise. This doesn’t always need to involve secrecy. Some spouses are quite open with each other about their married dating, and it’s possible for relationships to be strong enough to take it. But people don’t tend to give so much consideration to the strangers they’re getting involved with and what the situation is doing to them.

 

Getting involved with somebody else when you already have a life commitment isn’t always easy to handle. If you don’t know the background of the person you meet, married dating can be looking for trouble.

 

Gone are the days of wife swapping parties and clandestine meetings in sleazy bars. Married dating has cleaned up its act, and you can now meet people in online venues like www.marriedandlooking.com. There are pictures to look at and profiles to consider before you get in touch. But as we all know, meeting people over the internet can be risky at the best of times, and you have to ask yourself how much you can be sure of in a situation where you know from the start that the person you’re meeting may have something to hide. If you’ve chosen to be honest with your spouse, that doesn’t mean they’re being honest with theirs.

 

There are way to reduce the risks when you start married dating through a website. Always make sure that your first meeting is in a public place such as a bar or restaurant, where you can easily leave if you feel uncomfortable. If you don’t want to confess what you’re really up to, tell your spouse that you’re going to meet friends in that place, but provide a time when you’ll be home and stick to it – that way you know that someone will come looking for you if things go wrong. If things go really well and you can’t resist pursuing a sexual opportunity that same night, regardless of the risks, you can always call to say that you’ll be late.

 

It’s a good idea to spend some time getting to know your date in person before you take things further, simply because doing so involves going somewhere private with them and this puts you at risk. And don’t assume, if you’re male, that the risks of married dating only apply to women. It’s not unheard of for men with important careers to find themselves blackmailed in what seemed like an innocent situation, or to discover that the women they’ve met are being followed by husbands who want to fight or rob them. You can never be sure that you’re dealing with just one person, so if you must get involved in something as risky as married dating, be cautious about it and don’t throw yourself into something that’s almost certainly too good to be true.

 

Most people who get involved in married dating are simply looking for a fling, for some sexual excitement which won’t impact too strongly on the most important relationship in their lives. However, there are other people out there who are looking for much more. It’s important to try and work out what sort of person you’re dealing with before you get involved. If your date is lonely and frustrated in a crumbling marriage, they may become attached to you very quickly and more intensely than you can cope with. It can be very difficult to get out of this kind of situation without breaking somebody’s heart, and you also risk finding yourself with a stalker. Try explaining to the police that you acquired your stalker through married dating and you may not receive the most sympathetic of reactions.

 

Beyond these practical concerns, there are moral complications to married dating. If you’re happy in your marriage (even if it doesn’t give you everything you want) and if you have no intention of ever parting from your spouse, what are you going to do if you find yourself falling head over heels for somebody else? It’s very difficult to navigate a situation like this without somebody getting hurt. Alternatively, if you and your spouse have discussed all the ins and outs of married dating and are confident that you can handle it, what will you do if you find out that your date is keeping it a secret from their family? What if there are children involved and a trusting partner who would be horrified by the very thought of married dating? This is the sort of thing which can break up families and you need to be aware of that from the outset. No matter how careful you are, there will always be some risks, because you are having to rely on a stranger’s honesty and capacity to handle complicated, high pressure situations.

 

There’s a reason why monogamy is at the heart of the western marital tradition, with affairs undertaken only in a context where nobody seriously expects them to last. Once you start legitimising married dating, people lose sight of important boundaries. There simply aren’t the social structures in place to cope with it. What might be a fine idea in a society where it carried no stigma and where jealousy was unusual, rather than expected, is far more complicated, difficult and dangerous to pursue in the world we live in today.

 

Before you get involved in married dating, stop and think carefully about the risks involved. You could face blackmail, physical violence, marital conflict, heartbreak and loss. You could breakup somebody else’s loving family. Is it really worth it? Can you continue to look upon it as a trivial fling when you’re aware of the damage it might do?

 

Perhaps you’re one of those fortunate people for whom everything will work out well. But for most of us, married dating should remain firmly in the realm of fantasy.

A Cheat’s Charter

We all know there are some dodgy things out there on the internet. Perhaps you’ve had your suspicions, sometimes, about what your husband looks at on the computer when you’re not around. But it gets worse. Imagine how it would feel to find out that your other half defined themselves as ‘married and looking’!

 

Along with the tide of pornography on the internet has come a flood of dating sites, but these are not the kind of thing you’d find in the back of the Sunday paper. Instead of hopeful ads from lonely hearts looking for romance, these sites are all about sex. Most of the people who use them don’t even pretend to be looking for anything else! And whatever kind of sex you can imagine, you can find it there. There’s next to no regulation and there often seem to be no rules. These people revel in the anonymity that the internet offers. They don’t want to know about the home lives of the people they meet. They don’t care whose lives they might be wrecking.

 

So what can be done about this? Horrifyingly, the answer is nothing. Internet service providers just don’t seem interested in taking responsibility for this kind of content, saying that it’s up to their users how they wish to use dating facilities. It is possible to block some of these ‘married and looking’ sites using child protection software, but of course, you can’t stop your husband from going elsewhere.

 

If you know your husband is saying online that he’s married and looking, should you challenge him about it? Some women say yes. Others think it’s better to keep quiet and watch how he actually behaves. After all, this ‘married and looking’ business might just be a harmless fantasy. If he tries to act on it, and he doesn’t know you’ve been keeping an eye on him, then you an take action.

 

Shameless Sites

 

It would be nice to think that people wouldn’t lie to each other in a marriage, but sites like www.marriedandlooking.co.uk will really open your eyes. It seems there’s a huge number of men out there – and women, too – looking to hook up despite their existing relationships. Most of these people are apparently married and looking for others in the same situation, but others are single people looking for married partners because they actually think it’s easier that way. If all they want is a quick fling, they think doing it with someone who is married will reduce the chance of complications. But for most women, having their husbands cheat on them is complication enough!

 

These shameless sites perpetuate the idea that being married and looking for sex with other people is somehow socially acceptable. Well I’m sorry, but that’s just not true! Perhaps some people are willing to let these things go because it’s the internet, but internet society is made up of ordinary people who walk around the streets in our society just like you an me. If they think it’s okay to be married and looking on the internet, how are they going to behave in the wider world?

 

Sites like these don’t just provide the opportunity for people who are married and looking for a ‘bit of fun’ to flirt with people online. They help them to meet up in person where, very often, they end up having secret affairs. And because they’re anonymous, people using them can even talk about their affairs without their loved ones being able to identify them. Imagine the humiliation of finding out that your husband was not only sleeping with somebody else, he was telling the whole world about it – all except for you, of course!

 

Spreading the Word

 

Unfortunately, sites like these seem unlikely to go away in a hurry, so all that concerned women an do is to warn each other about them and try to watch out for signs of trouble. Perhaps you don’t think your husband could ever consider himself married and looking, but what if you’re wrong? Don’t wait until it’s too late. If he’s spending a lot of time on the internet and is reluctant to tell you what he’s been doing there, try looking up the history in the web browser after he’s finished. It’s easy to do and it’ll let you see the URLs of the sites he’s visited most recently. If he is using sites for married and looking people, this is a good way to catch him in the act.

 

Although the notion that it’s okay to be married and looking is damaging to society, it does have one plus point on the personal side – at least our husbands aren’t claiming to be single! Perhaps the women they’re flirting with don’t care that they’re married, but they an hardly claim not to know. This small degree of honesty is a sign of hope – it means that marriage still matters to the men in our lives. Now we need to show them what they have to do if they want to hold onto their marriages.

 

These shocking married and looking websites are a cheat’s charter and the only way they can be stopped is if ordinary people protest. If you can’t get your ISP to listen to you, at least talk to your husband directly and let him know what you think of this sort of thing. You don’t need to make it a personal attack – in fact, the best time to do it is before he’s even thought of visiting a site like that, before he’s been tempted. Let him know that you’re married and looking forward to a bright future together, and that you can’t imagine anything the internet has to offer making it worth jeopardising that.

 

Married and looking dating sites will probably always be out there, but we don’t have to accept them, we don’t have to pretend they’re okay. And we don’t have to stand by while they ensnare the men we love.

Shameless

When Julie Little acknowledged to friends at work that she was married and looking for another partner, she was met with the shocked response, “Shame on you!” In retrospect, she says, she should have expected it – she had presumed too much on the basis of the day to day office gossip about relationships and men – but still she was left asking herself why. Why should she be ashamed?

 

At the time, Julie had been married for six years. Her husband was a sales executive who spent a lot of time travelling. They loved each other, but neither of them wanted to go without sex, and when Julie saw her husband flirting with another woman at a party she realised to her surprise that it didn’t bother her at all. They came to an agreement and now describe themselves as married and looking. Julie says it has taken the pressure off everything. Now when her husband comes home they can enjoy their time together instead of each worrying about what the other might have been doing while they were apart.

 

Julie’s case is similar to that of thousands of other people across the UK. She feels no shame about being married and looking for other sexual opportunities, perhaps even for another relationship – the two things don’t contradict each other in her mind. She has now had affairs with other men but she doesn’t feel they have affected her commitment to her husband.

 

Despite this, the popular attitude remains that it is shameful to be married and looking, and that it is especially shameful for women. Julie had thought her workplace was more liberal because, as she says, they talk about guys all the time, sometimes quite explicitly, and there are magazines handed around the office which are full of articles urging women to take control of their sexuality. But when it comes down to it, those women, like so many others, are really quite old fashioned. While they may lust over various men when they’re single, they all expect that one day they will get married, and looking at other men after that will never go further than ‘window shopping’.

 

This continued interest demonstrates that women’s sexuality is not always – or even usually – entirely contained by marriage. Many feel the need for another outlet, yet refrain from seeking it. Perhaps shockingly, some do this even when they know that their husbands are having affairs. Why shouldn’t they be married and looking too? Why is it a sign of success when a man does it, but shameful for a woman?

 

Julie’s lack of shame at the fact she’s married and looking is more than just a rejection of traditional expectations about relationships – it’s a rejection of social values that still say there’s one rule for men and another for women. Perhaps this is why it shocks her colleagues so much – because it represents a breaking away from the habits of shame that have kept women in their place for thousands of years. But times are changing. Looking on the internet for support, Julie came across a site called www.marriedandlooking.co.uk and discovered that there are lots of other people out there, from all walks of life, whose feelings about marriage are closer to her own.

 

Despite having been told by her colleagues that she’s betraying her husband, Julie feels strongly about her commitment to him, and still fully expects to be with him for the rest of her life. She sees marriage as a partnership, based on love, that enables a couple to build a home together and support each other, both practically and emotionally, as they grow older. Yet within this framework she sees no reason why she shouldn’t be married and looking for other lovers. The affairs she has had have been no threat to her marriage. She is confident that nobody could ever replace her husband.

 

What would a world be like, Julie has wondered, in which nobody was burdened by this kind of shame? Meeting other people with the same approach to marriage has assured her that being married and looking can work at more than just an individual level. The people she has talked to through the website all talk of successful, lasting relationships, some of which have been positively enriched by their other experiences. Above all, she says, they seem relaxed.about sex and relationships in a way that makes them better able to cope with the other things life throws at them.

 

Yet despite these postive experiences, Julie has not talked about the website at work. Why? Because she thinks it would only shock her colleagues more. Her experience of being told she should be ashamed has taught her to keep her private life very private indeed. She assumes that her colleagues know she’s still married and looking, but there’s a tacit agreement not to talk about it. The problem with this is that she sometimes finds herself wondering how many other people there might be out there – in her own circle of friends and acquaintances – who have the same feelings about these things, but stay silent.

 

Despite her own silence, Julie feels strongly that nobody should have to be ashamed of being married and looking. Why should she be unable to talk about her affairs when single colleagues discuss theirs? Now if she so much as comments on an attractive man – even when everyone else is doing so – she is met with frowns and stares. Ironically, she’s pretty sure that her colleagues wouldn’t have such a strong reaction if they thought she was looking for an opportunity to cheat on her husband, to have an affair behind his back.

 

Julie’s big hope is that this situation won’t persist. She feels that the presence of people who are married and looking on the internet is bound to spill over into other areas of life at some point soon, and that attitudes like those of her colleagues will soften with time. After all, traditional ideas about marriage were far stricter than they are today. In the long term, being married and looking might not seem out of the ordinary at all – certainly not anything to be ashamed of.

Experience the Difference

If somebody told you they were married and looking for other lovers, would you be shocked? If so, you wouldn’t be unusual, but an increasing number of people are starting to ask why. After all, it’s increasingly common for people to have a number of lovers before they get married. Why not afterwards?

 

The reason, you might say, is that marriage is, by its very nature, supposed to be about monogamy. You simply cannot be married and looking – it’s a contradiction in terms. But aren’t we trivialising marriage if we consider it purely as a sexual thing? Don’t people get married for all sorts of reasons – for security, for tax relief, or just because they love each other and want to be together for the rest of their lives?

 

Talking to couples who identify as married and looking, it’s easy to see that they maintain serious commitments to one another. Obviously some won’t be successful in staying together till death do them part – not when the divorce rate in Britain is nearing fifty percent – but many will be, as evidenced by the older couples who have stayed together over decades despite having affairs with other people. These people are not highly visible because social prejudice meant they have felt obliged to keep it a secret that they were married and looking, but they certainly exist. And one of the things they frequently report is that they found both their marital sex life and the emotional bond between them more satisfying because they had that extra experience.

 

Not so very long ago, even in Britain, the idea that a woman might not be a virgin when she got married was really shocking. As a result, many women got into what they hoped would be lifelong relationships with very little experience either of sex or of how relationships work. They depended to a large extent on luck in order to enjoy a mutually fulfilling experience. For those who managed to negotiate things so that they were free to be married and looking for other opportunities, the chance to get together with other people was a revelation. Doubtless it ended some marriages, but in many other cases it strengthened them. It gave those women the chance to work out what was right for them.

 

These days our pre-marital sex lives are not so strictly controlled but a significant number of people still marry young and later regret their limited experience. Fortunately, websites like www.marriedandlooking.co.uk make it easier than ever to discover the solution. Not only do they make it easier to find dates, but by establishing a community of people who are all married and looking they provide a safe space where it doesn’t have to be a secret. Perhaps it’s just the beginning of a gradual crumbling of social taboos in favour of individual liberty.

 

Of course, when you’re married, you’re never entirely at liberty – you always have your spouse’s well-being to consider. But when you both agree to stay married and looking, you’ll never find yourself torn between frustration and cheating. Most people who define themselves as married and looking don’t see it as cheating because it’s not breaking the agreement at the heart of the relationship. It’s understood that other lovers will not be a threat to the marriage and that the marriage will be the primary consideration – just as it is for anybody else with a healthy relationship.

 

By exploring relationships with other people from within the existing security of a marriage, it’s possible to have fun and gain experience without taking nearly as many risks as a single person might have to face. When your lovers know that you’re married and looking for uncomplicated fun, they can respect your independence from them. If an affair ends badly, you’ll always have your spouse there to help you recover. And that doesn’t mean you’ll be taking your spouse for granted – if you’re both married and looking, it’s likely to be understood that you might one day have to return the favour. What’s more, you can also share the good times – and you can both benefit from the new things you’ve learned when you go to bed together.

 

The romantic ideal of Western culture is that marriage partners will be innocent and then discover fantastic sex together by a fluke of good fortune. The reality is that, whilst loving somebody generally means the sex is pleasurable, inexperienced couples often find themselves with limited means to express themselves sexually. If you want to remain satisfied with one another for a long time, having a varied sex life can really help, making sure that things always remain interesting. When you’re married and looking for sex with other people, you can acquire the experience you need to keep your marriage vital through the years.

 

With an increasing number of people now defining themselves as married and looking, it’s easier than ever to find someone for you. The internet is a great place to meet and get chatting, either singly or as a couple. If you’re nervous, it can give you and your spouse the chance to vet one another’s choices before you consider meeting up with them in person, and you can even go to meet people together for extra security. You can find people in your local area or you can travel to visit them further afield, further reducing the risk of complications.

 

Some people who are married and looking are only after one night stands. Others are looking for affairs which can last for years. As long as you and your spouse have agreed on what’s acceptable to you as a couple, you’re free to make your choice. Whatever you decide on, being married and looking will introduce you to a social experience that will stay with you and enrich your marriage for years to come.

The Truth about Jealousy

If you’re one of the increasing number of people who is married and looking, jealousy could seem to you like a primitive emotion best done away with. But if it’s purely destructive and can provide no benefits, why have we evolved to feel it? Should we sometimes listen to our jealousy? Here we take a look at five popular myths about the green-eyed monster.

 

Jealousy is Destructive

 

What kind of images first spring into your mind when you think about jealousy? If you’re thinking of popular literature or television drama, they’re almost certainly negative. We’re used to encountering representations of obsessive jealousy and there’s no doubt that this can be destructive. It can wreck the stability of otherwise happy relationships or even, as in Shakespeare’s Othello, lead to crimes like murder. But does it have to be like this?

 

If you feel jealous because your spouse is married and looking, you could be seen as introducing a destructive factor into your relationship; but is that fair? Isn’t it really your spouse who is doing that? Don’t let yourself take the blame unfairly. Sometimes jealousy is a constructive force aimed at protecting a relationship. It can empower you to say to your spouse: no – you can’t be married and looking – you can only be married and mine.

 

Jealousy is a Form of Emotional Blackmail

 

We’re often told that jealousy is a form of passive aggression, a means of trying to control somebody else. Why shouldn’t you be married and looking for other partners? Isn’t it your right to make decisions about how you handle your own sexuality?

 

The truth is that marriage is about compromise. When we enter into it, we give up some of our individual rights. If you have a right to be married and looking, you have to accept that your spouse has a corresponding right to be jealous. If you’re going to have a healthy relationship, you’ll need to negotiate a middle ground. This doesn’t mean that jealousy has to win all the time – you might agree that it’s okay to be married and looking at other people but not acting on your urges, for instance, or you might give your spouse a veto to use on particular occasions – but it does mean that a jealous spouse has a right to be heard.

 

Jealousy Only Hurts the Jealous Person

 

Is jealousy self-destructive? There’s no doubt about it: feeling jealous isn’t much fun. But in situations where people are married and looking it can be difficult to avoid. Even if you and your spouse have made an agreement to relax the rules of your relationship, it can be difficult to control your feelings if you discover they’re been visiting a site like www.marriedandlooking.co.uk.

 

What can you do about this? It doesn’t seem fair that you should be the one to suffer because your spouse is married and looking. But a spouse who loves you will not remain unaffected by your jealousy. When you love someone it’s always painful to see them unhappy. You may be the only person who is hurt directly by your jealousy, but, if you are honest about it, it will emerge as something that’s an issue for both of you, and for your marriage itself.

 

It’s important not to blame yourself if your jealousy places a strain on your marriage, and not to try to take all the burden of that jealousy upon yourself. Somebody who is married and looking has a responsibility to make sure their spouse isn’t suffering because of it. It’s not good enough to say “Don’t be jealous,” when jealousy is beyond your control.

 

Jealousy is about Insecurity

 

These days it’s common to blame jealousy on insecurity. Of course it might be argued that it’s perfectly reasonable for your spouse to feel insecure if you’re married but looking for other sexual opportunities, but that’s only part of the picture. Why, if you repeatedly assure your spouse that you love them and have no intention of ending the marriage, does jealousy sometimes persist? How can it continue to be there even after you’ve been married and looking – with no ill effects – for many years?

 

To understand this, you’ll need to realise that jealousy isn’t just about insecurity, it’s also about self esteem. We all want to be valued by our partners. We want to feel special, and when we’re married we want to feel more special than anybody else. This can be difficult if your spouse describes themselves as ‘married and looking’, especially if it happens in public. People can feel humiliated; they can feel that they are less worthy than peers who have monogamous spouses. This naturally causes distress.

 

Jealousy is Unnecessary

 

In the modern world, where we have all sorts of tools available for negotiating our relationships, has jealousy become outdated? If there’s no rational reason not to be married and looking, why should be still have to deal with an emotional one?

 

It’s easy to dismiss the negative experiences that we can’t control. We try to suppress physical pain, yet if we ever succeeded in preventing ourselves from feeling pain completely we’d be in trouble, as we wouldn’t know when we’d injured ourselves – indeed, diseases that kill off the nervous system often lead to people suffering serious injury due to unnoticed accidents. We can look on jealousy as a sort of emotional pain. Sometimes it lasts for far too long and causes unnecessary distress after we’ve already become aware that there’s a problem, but it can be necessary to draw our attention to the problem in the first place.

 

Jealousy can be a natural response to situations in which people are married and looking, just as pain is a natural response to cutting your arm. It can provide a warning that the lifeblood of your marriage is leaking out. It can let you know that it’s time to apply a bandage and cut short the activity which is causing the injury. We might not like it, but sometimes the green-eyed monster is on our side.

Doing What Comes Naturally

Often people get married because they feel that it’s natural for them to be together. But is it natural for them to lose all sexual interest in other people, too?

 

A couple of decades ago, if you had encountered somebody who described themselves as ‘married and looking’, you would probably have been shocked; but today it’s becoming increasingly common for married people to acknowledge their desire for sexual partners other than their spouses. This is manifesting in a wide range of ways, from magazine articles about flirtation techniques to television soap operas in which everybody seems to be having an affair. Traditionally the last person to find out has been the spouse, but increasingly we’re told that talking to our spouses about our attraction to other people can actually liven up our marital sex lives, bringing us closer together.

 

Does this sound too good to be true? And if it can work as a fantasy – when the objects of desire are safely distant, like celebrities – can it also work when it’s closer to home? What about when couples discuss their attraction to mutual friends? What happens when they want to act on those attractions?

 

The reason we may find it hard to imagine what life is like for people who refer to themselves as ‘married and looking’ is that we’re used to seeing relationships from within the restricted perspective of our own cultural heritage. If we look at other cultures around the world we find that being married and looking for other partners isn’t always considered unusual at all. It’s just an ordinary part of life. Why is this? And given this, how can we decide what’s normal?

 

One way to approach this is to look at what we know about how human societies have developed. Most have some form of marriage early on – it’s a practical way to share the daily workload and provide security for children, besides which people naturally want to be together. But relatively few expect sexuality to be completely contained by marriage. If instinct tells us to develop strong relationships, it also tells us not to put all our dna in one basket. Simply put, we have a better chance of having healthy children who grow up to have children of their own if we have them with more than one person.

 

In the modern world, thanks to contraception, we can make more careful choices about parenthood, but we still have those same drives and we can easily find ourselves married and looking at other people. The important thing to realise is that this doesn’t necessarily mean commitment to that central relationship is weaker than it used to be. In fact, being married but looking could be a sign that you instinctively feel your marriage is strong enough to cope with it. Considered this way, if you partner has started to started to develop a wandering eye without paying any less attention to you, you could take it as a compliment.

 

As our own society developed, it placed a lot of restrictions on sexuality, partly for the sake of social cohesion and perhaps also as a form of social control – sexual passions can be disruptive but that energy is useful if harnessed and redirected. To be married and looking could potentially be a problem for both these things. However, we have latterly reached a point where society is become ore liberal and the focus is on individual freedoms. It’s no longer so socially inappropriate to be married and looking. Does that mean that it’s time to cast aside related moral baggage, too?

 

The thing about morality is that it forms a sort of contract between ourselves and society. You may well be married and looking and proud of it, but you can’t expect that nobody else will disapprove. Whilst it’s easy to argue that being married and looking is the natural human state, people will soon point out to you that we have a number of other natural functions which we wouldn’t perform in public, and which we’d expect to horrify people if we did.

 

Rather than expecting all of society to be ready for people who are married and looking, it’s better to concentrate on those sections that have liberalised more quickly, where people are better prepared to acknowledge the primary importance of natural individual behaviours (or, as some people put it, of being true to yourself). Websites like http://www.marriedandlooking.co.uk make it easy to meet people like this. In fact, you might find this sort of site as helpful for your general social life as it is in finding you potential sexual partners. It’s always nice to meet like-minded people whom you can chat to without having to hide anything.

 

When it comes to talking to your spouse, it’s important to make sure that you both feel the same way about what you’re doing. Remember that, if you’re concerned with doing what comes naturally to each of you, that doesn’t mean you should assume that your spouse’s desires will be equivalent to yours. Not everybody feels ready to be married and looking even if they’re comfortable with it happening around them.

 

Just because being married and looking for other partners is something strongly rooted in our natural instincts doesn’t mean that we don’t also have other instincts, designed to help us hold on to our partners, which can create negative feelings about it. If it’s natural to be married and looking, it’s also natural to be jealous, at least to an extent. However, many people find that once they have established that the central relationship is not under threat, that jealousy – essentially rooted in insecurity – goes away.

 

Being married and looking for sex elsewhere might seem like a modern phenomenon, but in fact it’s only our honesty about it which is recent, and then only in our society. This sort of behaviour dates right back to our primitive ancestry, and everybody likes to get primitive in the bedroom sometimes.

Meeting a Need

No matter how much they may enjoy having fun with different people when young, most people eventually reach a stage where they want to settle down and spend the rest of their lives with one special person. This is the reason why most of us get married. It’s easier to cope with the stresses and strains of life as part of a team; it can be wonderful to make a family together; and it’s always good to have that special person to come home to at the end of a long working day. But the western tradition of monogamous marriage demands more than just this. It demands that we also deal with all our sexual needs with just that one person. And that can create a strain which causes many otherwise healthy marriages to break.

 

Despite the prevalence of sexual imagery in popular magazines, on television and in advertising, most of us still find it hard to talk about our sexual needs. We see them as somehow dirty, as an inappropriate subject even in the most intimate company. Many of us find it hardest of all to discuss them with our spouses, where we have the most to lose. Controversial topics like married dating may in fact be easier to talk about than the underlying problems. So can married dating offer a solution?

 

No matter how hard we may try to avoid it, it’s easy to get into a fixed way of doing things when always sleeping with the same person. We find the things we like, or the things we’re willing to settle for, and stick with them. Attempts to spice this up can feel awkward and too artificial, and we may also lack the confidence to take the lead in doing other things if it’s been a long time since we had any practice. Married dating can offer an opportunity to rediscover your sexuality without breaking up that most important relationship. Because you’ll be introducing a new person into the equation, you won’t necessarily have to be the one who initiates new things. If you meet your dates through a specialist venue like www.marriedandlooking.co.uk they’ll understand your situation and will be patient whilst you adjust.

 

Married dating can present an ideal opportunity to explore sexual interests which you may not have had the chance to explore in your youth. It can be particularly helpful to people who have got married without having any prior sexual experience, or with only very limited experience, and can help them to work out what it is they really want from sexual encounters. Rather than leading to frustration with the marital situation, this can in fact help to renew a married couple’s interest in each other and help them to develop new forms of intimacy. Where one partner has always had to take the lead it can lead to a more equal relationship.

 

Because our sexuality and our sexual desires continue to develop throughout our lives, a relationship which seemed to provide everything when you first got into it may later prove unable to satisfy your passions. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship has failed or that your spouse has let you down – simply that you’ve changed as a person. Perhaps your spouse has stayed as slim and attractive as ever but you’ve increasingly found yourself attracted to more voluptuous people; or perhaps you want to try something kinky which your partner has no interest in. Married dating can make this possible, and in giving free reign to your desires you may well find that they are not as overwhelming as they seemed when you were trying to ignore them. When, through married dating, you are able to find an outlet for your conflicting feelings, you may find that you are once again able to properly enjoy sex with your spouse.

 

Married dating can also be a means for couples to explore their sexuality together. When both partners engage in married dating they can get together again afterwards to discuss what they’ve learned and how they feel about it. This is itself can provide an erotic boost to a relationship. It can also help them to understand each other’s interests and desires without having to address their own sexual interaction directly. It can be a useful way for them to exchange ideas about things they might try together.

 

Sometimes there are insoluble problems with the sexual aspects of a marriage. One partner might have sexual interests which the other just doesn’t feel comfortable being involved with, or one partner might have a sex drive which is much stronger than the other’s. Married dating can offer a long term solution in situations like this, providing an outlet for sexual appetites which could otherwise lead to resentment. Sex drive, too, varies over the course of life, and it can be affected by all sorts of factors (such as pregnancy, medication, menopause and stress at work), so a couple who are a good match to begin with may not always be so. However, being sexually less compatible doesn’t mean ceasing to love or support each other, and married dating can be the perfect complement to a marriage of this kind.

 

Even if a marriage becomes completely sexless, many couples find that they want to stay together. After all, falling in love and making a commitment are about much more than just sexual desire. But it’s quite natural to want to experience sexual satisfaction, regardless of your circumstances. Married dating can provide a healthy, respectful way of resolving this problem which doesn’t involve recourse to prostitution and all its associated ills. What’s more, it can lead to the development of new social contacts and can enrich the life that a couple share. Most people want to see their spouses happy. Married dating can let that happiness happen whilst they stay together.

 

No matter how committed you are to your spouse and no matter how much you love them, it’s not always necessary – or practical – to be monogamous. Give married dating a try and you may find that it gives your marriage a new lease of life.